Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Uncle Sam's Legal Eagle Spam

The US District Court of Appeals has been upholding a bad policy since 2007. It's a bad policy because it's unrealistic. In short, the US gov is requiring all agencies that receive AIDS/HIV prevention funds to uphold the US position to prohibit prostitution and sex trafficking. Prostitution has been around for thousands of years if not more. Longer in fact, that any current government and probably longer than any extant religion. No proclamation of a 200 year old government is going to change it. It seems so elementary that I'm going back to the basics to answer it. We need a realistic policy that's rooted in the basic facts, to wit:

Look here, Uncle Sam,
and belay your legislative spam.
History shows us just what is true,
that people are people, and people do screw.

They'll bang behind bushes,
They'll bang on a bus,
unhindered by muss,
not heeding your fuss.

They'll lay who they like,
be they Suzie or Mike,
and ignore your objections,
and puritanical projections.

So teach people safety,
when getting it on.
Denial has gone on,
much, much, MUCH, too long.

Let all babies be wanted,
and trouser bugs be squashed.
Let people be safe and happy
when getting wacky in the sacky.

Begin with the facts,
when discussing the beast with two backs.
It's really important to get this right,
because we all know what all those people will be doing tonight.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Does this sash make my tail look big?

“Why did you pick that body?” asked Klitik.

“It’s the only one I could find that fit,” Ekleat replied, still shuffling the limbs clumsily.

Klitik handed her a red sash with some letters printed on it. “I don't think this is gender appropriate.” she said, adjusting the sash in the mirror.

Klitik cringed. He was good at human gesture even if certain social customs evaded him. “I hadn’t thought of that. It was just the closest thing I could find to indicate your office.”

“Very well. Take me to the meeting.”

They exited the restroom, two men in business suits, one with the clumsy gait of a newborn fawn. A smartly dressed woman on her way in did a double take at the “Princess” sash on the limping man. They simply nodded politely per local custom. The princess wobbled across the hotel lobby, oblivious of the stares of the other hotel guests, and occasionally kicking her aide in the ankles. Three hours local time was not enough to acclimate to these legs.

A big hand drawn sign next to the door proclaimed the meeting of the Europa Exploration Society was open to members only. They walked into the banquet room to find a few dozen people gathered in small groups. At her entrance, they schooled together to greet her, then fell over each other to introduce themselves. She dismissed them and they scattered to the edges of the room. “My body needs food.” She snapped at Klitik.

“Right this way,” It took no time for Ekleat to recognize the improvised badges for the various offices they indicated. The goggles worn by some clearly indicated science officers, and the bigger the goggles, the higher the rank. She had to assume that the man with the telescope slung over his shoulder was the chief officer. The flowered garlands and floral printed shirts identified the anthropological officers. Masked people were obviously diplomats, and the conical, multicoloured hats made the military advisers stand out.

They approached the buffet, and Ekleat noticed the name tag of a young female standing behind the table. She tried to discern what office that indicated, then realized she was simply a member of the hotel staff. A human. Ekleat turned and hissed under her breath, “Is it wise to have our meeting in the open like this?”

“Oh yes,” Klitik replied. “They think we’re having something called a ‘Science Fiction Convention.’ It’s like...” he struggled for the words. “It’s like a speculation play, but they have many of them. And they gather in groups to... celebrate them. We won’t be noticed.”

She curled her tail uncomfortably and stretched inside her body. Klitik put a hand on her shoulder to soothe the spasms of her body and said “Ah... they might notice that.” The young attendant was clearly trying not to notice.

“Very well,” the princess snapped. “Just bring my food to the table. Proteins and electrolytes.”

She shambled across the room toward the head table, scattering lesser officers in her wake. “Section chiefs report to me now,” she spoke so the whole room could hear her. Even in their human bodies, their submissive curl was detectable, as the chiefs approached the seat she took.

“I feel compelled to remind you all the purpose of your mission here: Determining the nature and scope of the human threat. The reports you’ve sent back are very conflicting.”

Klitik sat down next to her, offering a plate of food. The princess barely glanced at it, picking up some orange cubes of food to consume while the officers gave their reports.

One of the birthday-hatted military men, who also wore an animal character bib indicating his rank spoke first. “The situation is dire your highness. The humans are already speculating about the possibilities of life on our planet, and they have plans to drill through the ice in order to reach our seas and discover our colonies.”

“Yeah, but they come in peace, man,” a be-flowered officer put in. His eyes were redder than most humans and his multicolored shirt smelled even funnier than most.

“I think his sample is tainted,” the military officer said under his breath.

“To be truthful your highness,” offered a diplomat, “Their intentions toward other intelligent species are hard to determine. Some of them willingly sacrifice their own safety and well being to protect unintelligent animals, while others are clearly bent on killing anything with a modicum of intelligence that doesn’t belong to their own particular group.”

Ekleat gobbled a round slice of animal flesh from her plate, then washed it down with liquid. “How long will it be before they attempt any landing on... what do they call our world?”

“Europa, your highness.”

“Silly name,” she spat. “Anyway, how long?”

“Probably 50 years or more,” someone offered. “No, they could do it in far less time...” someone objected. “Bah! They won’t get around to it for a hundred years!”

“Can’t you people make up your minds?” The princess demanded. They all hunched up again and twitched this time, clearly curling their tails inside their human hosts.

She picked up another piece of food but stopped in recognition. The pink curl in the pinch of her fingers was hauntingly familiar. “What abomination is this!?” she cried.

“Oh, it’s a shrimp,” Tiklit said, picking one up for himself. He bit the muscle off, leaving just the sad little tail.

“Ack! Tiklit, you’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Wha?” he smacked his lips. “It’s not like they’re intelligent. They don’ even registher o’ the scale.”

“That’s not the point,” Ekleat repressed another cringe and made her decision. “I know exactly what these humans will do if they ever do get to our planet. General, speed up the global warming process and flood this damned planet.”

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Captain Obvious Strikes Again!

Probably because I'm a visually oriented person with a long standing love of medieval art and the inherent symbolism it's laden with, I've always wanted some sort of symbol to wear that represents what I believe. Sadly, most of the choices seem hokey, or not quite on the mark. There's the red "A" of Atheism, which is combative and says more about what I don't believe, so that's not quite right. There's the anthropomorphized "H" of humanism, but that doesn't entirely suit me either.

Today, while looking at the Coalition for Reason website, I was suddenly struck by that one word, "Reason." The etymology of that word traces it's meaning back to the Greek word "Logos" or λόγος if you prefer. "Ah-Ha!" I thought, I could simply use the Greek letter Lambda, Λ, as a symbol!

Which is really a convoluted way of confirming what everyone already knew: I'm a nerd.

Monday, November 15, 2010

What the American People Want

It never fails to unsettle me when politicians say things like, "That's what the American People want." I've heard politicians of every stripe say it, and a good share of time, they're saying exactly the opposite of what I want. And for every time they are actually saying something I like, I can find as many friends as not who DON'T like it.

And the key word there is friends. Amongst my own friends I count people of nearly every political and social bent. Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Independents and people who don't vote. I've talked politics with conservative Christians, agnostic Jews, liberal deists, pagans, atheists, and secularists. And those are just the people I've actually shared meals with in the last year. I know gay people, and people who think they shouldn't marry. I've had beers with hawks and doves. Every last one of these people is a born and raised citizen of the United states.

The American People are a highly varied group who want a lot of different things. Only a few of them overlap. So any the only time we should hear a politician say "That's what the American People want," is when he or she is talking about roads.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Secular Polyamory

I've got at least three ideas why secularists should embrace polyamory. They're in no particular order of importance or seriousness. Feel free to add suggestions. Any document about polyamoroy should be a WIKI anyway, lest it be antithetical to it's own subject. Or, if you prefer, this idea has room for more love.

First and foremost there is the divorce rate amongst monogamous heterosexuals. Standard married people are dropping like flies, matrimonially speaking. Here in the US the divorce rate is close to half. Half of all marriages end in a discussion over who gets the house and the kids and who gets stuck with the broken down, mismatched bedroom furniture. Divorce takes down a larger percentage of married couples than the Black Plague folks.

So here's the thing: Polyamory makes you communicate. You think it's hard reading your spouses mind now? Try having two! Polyamory just doesn't happen without communication. Some churches make you take a little compatibility quiz before you can reserve the chapel for the big day. But when a polyamorist asks you on a date, it usually comes along with a handful of links to websites with dozens of ways to skin one under-fed cat named "Communication." The strong silent types will never make it in this game. These people may talk too damn much, but most relationship experts agree that communication is the best way to avoid having to decide who gets car, and who gets the cat. That's right buddy. Put on the kettle, give that poor cat some friskies, and let's talk.

Secondly there's the concept of economic velocity, something I first learned here. Now this is a concept that can work even for traditional families if you understand it, but it really takes off when there are more pay-checks under one roof. Put simply for the purposes of polyamory, when more people share expenses and family responsibilities, you get ahead. My own take on this idea is all about leftovers. I throw away a lot of leftovers. Oh, I mean well, and I do eat some of them. But inevitably, there comes a day when opening the refrigerator is accomanied by the Indian Jones theme song, and I have to go in with a pistol and bull whip to clean house. And here's the thing: I paid for that stuff that once was food. I also paid for that dish I just dropped because it seemed to contain a victim of one Kali's worshipers.

So if there are more people hanging around to pay for the food and eat the leftovers, we're all getting more out of our money. More people to help pay the mortgage; more people at home to eliminate day-care costs; more people at the dining room table means you buy in bulk and take better advantage of sales and so on. Since financial woes are also known to be a leading cause of divorce, this also ties back into our first item.

Lastly, there is strength in numbers my friends. Sure, multiple partners might seem like a wacky idea on the surface, but let's take a look at another wacky idea that took advantage of this principle and see where it got them. Yep, that's right, I'm talking about the Mormons. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knockin' 'em as a people. After all, they gave us Donnie, Marie, and Orgazmo, right? But Mormonism does contain some rather wacky ideas. Principally, the founding of the religion is based on a claim that one John Smith was shown some golden tablets by an angel named Moroni and used a couple of stones called the Urim and the Thummim to translate the Book of Mormon from said tablets, which only Smith's close friends and family ever saw.


Personally, I think Smith found a pair smooth river-bed stones that reminded him of his wife's ass, and she caught him having a religious moment which he explained away by calling it just that.* I suspect many religions have similar roots, but this is the only one I have a working theory for. So Smith goes about founding a religion and while he was at it, he decided to secure the opportunity to have the ass of that pretty young thing down the way by giving the green light to polygamy for his flock. (We've already established that he was a randy guy.) Then, after being chased out of two states ahead of angry mobs with guns, they ended up in Utah, and they now run the place. That's reproductive power that can't be denied people. Now I know many of you reading this will point to global populations and say we shouldn't be having so many babies, but I hasten to point out that those with much less ecological conscience than we happy few are out-breeding us like lemmings who can't wait to get to the cliff. Trouble is, they're going to take us over the edge with them!

Of course, all of these very well thought out arguments don't even scratch the surface of spicing up your sex life. Hey, Smith isn't the only randy guy with whacky ideas out there. So let's all pony up to the couples bars and get it together! Because together, we'll be unstoppable!

* Now before you insist I'm going out on a limb here, let's remember that internet porn wasn't widely available in Smith's time, and even now that it is, some folks are STILL fornicating with their livestock.